Appreciation...turning point

Today I decided to blog... Sorry for not updating my blog for soo long...Obviously, I am not a hardcore blogger... lol.... I always seems to be busy with something...Or I should say that blogging is not my kinda of entertainment...

This past 10 weeks... Had been a struggle for me as I was at Clinical Placement...I was constantly struggling with fear of failure and lack of self-confidence.

However, I've been through it...with prayer and action... But still, I do not feel content with the outcome.. I am unhappy... I felt lost after 10 weeks of prac.. Although I've been through it... I did not feel that I've achieved anything... I still feel like a failure...

Suddenly, I felt I lost passion in what I am studying.. For all these years of investing my time and energy.. I lost my sense of direction... I literally do not know what to do...

I went to Sydney for some shopping with my frens after the my prac.... Stayed over at Liz place... and went to commemorative meeting on Sunday.... Spoke to couple of members...until I met Carl...Then he suggested me that why not I talk to Greg ( General Director of SGI- Aus)He can give you some guidance ...Then, I was thinking... ok.. why not?

So I plucked up my courage to ring him... Although he is someone who is like a stranger to me....many things went through my mind... I was thinking: 'well.. what am I goin to say to him?'

When he picked up the phone, he said: ' Hi Cherlyn, what's up?' Oh ok... he still remembers me...

Then I told him that I feel lost and I need some guidance from him. Then he said he was busy at that time... He will call me tomorrow morning. And so the next day...

He said: 'Alright Cherlyn... thinking about the severity of your problem...I think it is better that we talk face to face... So you can come to Sydney on Sunday to join with other YW for the ACT meeting... or I can come to Newcastle to meet you on Saturday.'

'Alright... erm...'

'It is up to you what you want to do... I've made a determination that I will see you. '

' Erm...well...' I am freaking out at that time.. coz I did not want to go to sydney as it was a far trip away... But I do not want Greg to come all da way to Newie either.. as it is such a hassle...

While I was hesitating... He replied:'Alright I will come to Newcastle.. Just give me your address... ok? bye' That was it. He hung me up. His serious tone of voice was freaking me out... Doubts were running through my mind... What am I to say to him when I see him?

Then I texted him... and made a decision that I am goin to Sydney to meet him.

And so my journey started...He picked me up from the train station and brought me to the centre...Then I told him all about my placement..I told him how i struggled and took action with faith.. but I felt no Joy...I am lost with no sense of direction of my future....

Greg said:' You lack of appreciation in your life..I bet that you do not appreciate the culture in Australia.. You do not appreciate your parents enough...I can see that you are suffering deep down.. Because you will always not enough although you have achieved something... When you rang me.. You said you felt lost...And you said' I do not know what to do..' I can sense that it is as though you want me to live your life for you... you think this world owe you something... but this world owe you nothing...' At that moment my tears streamed down...I am lost of words... Because at that moment... I realised I do not appreciate the outcome that I've always wanted... which is to pass this placement as soon as I can... I am still begrudging...

'You think your supervisors owe you anything? They are human beings too.. they have their own struggles too... Do you at any point of placement that you sincerely pray for the happiness of your supervisor? And support your supervisor for them to be the best supervisor that they can be? ' When Greg said that.. I knew I didn't.. coz I am still holding on to the impression that they let me pass early is because they want a get rid of me.. that they are fed up with me.. that is why i feel that I do not earn the pass... it is all about Me , me , me...I am doubting my supervisor's buddha nature.. I am still thinking they did not do what they can to assist me being a competent dietitian.


And Greg said: ' You are just arrogant...and your attitude sucks....' He was being very frank.. But he is absolutely right.. ' I knew you do not want to come.. But you came...You have made a great effort and great cause to change ' Then he handed me some tissues.. Coz my tears was rolling down profusely... And I admitted to him about my thoughts regarding my supervisors.

And because of his guidance... I suddenly realise how ungrateful I am towards my life.. I have always begrudge about my pathetic teenage life... and constantly compare myself to ppl in my environment... although I do admit that I am being much more happier now.. in comparison to previous yrs...

But now... I do not want any part of my life to be erased...

Because be it bitter experiences or good experiences... they are the elements that made me who I am today.. I learn to appreciate every single detail of my life... although I do not have a happy teenage life... So what? It is now that matters.. I am grateful to those experiences... Or else I will not get to experience the joy now for having such good frens around...I will not understand other's ppl pain of being alone...

I am grateful to those people who have hurt me.... Because they are the ones in my life to polish my character as a human being...to inspire me to be a better person.. by not behaving like them... I sincerely... from the bottom of my heart.. pray for the happiness for the people that I do not get along quite well with... in order to practice my compassion to embrace differences... and appreciate them for who they are... learning to see their positive side.. their buddha nature..

Now I can really move forward with clear sense of direction.. Coz i do have everything I need to achieve what I want in life...

I am really grateful for my frenz and family... Because they complete me...

And now I just wana start everyday and appreciation... and end everyday with appreciation...

Everyday will be a great day for me from now on... I believe : )