Confusion...

I am constantly changing…changing in a way that sometimes I can’t recognize myself.
And this whole thing of being a female…I’ve always tell myself that if I have a second chance, I would rather be a male…Males have less things to care about because the only aspect to determine the success of a man is his career.

However, being a female in the 21st century is very challenging. Since women get the same chance of getting education, women are more involved in the society and are gaining recognition on their contribution towards business, health, sports and politics. But not only women have to be smart nowadays; they are also expected to be feminine. As the capability of women are on par with men in the modern society, there are women who are ‘career driven’ .Rather sticking to the traditional conception of being a women, they expose themselves to the society and faces competition in terms of productivity and knowledge. Hence, there is rising percentage of women who do not know to do ‘girl stuff’ such as washing, cleaning and cooking.

This leads me to confusion. I’ve always aspired to be strong, that I will be a person of substance, of wisdom and intelligent woman who is on par with men. This voice within me has prevented me for being feminine. And I admit that I have a sense of desire to show the ‘masculinity’ within me. Since at the age of 20, I started to loathe with the idea of make up and dressing up; as they are very troublesome ordeal. I started wearing big T-shirts as I don’t feel there is a need to flaunt my body shape. Jeans and pants are my best friends as I feel comfortable in them. I also love to have short hair (but not too short) because it portrays the spontaneity embedded in me that is common trait in guys.

Then, I found myself uncomfortable of being sexy and I don’t like wearing spaghetti straps or any other outfits that will show my ‘flesh’. There is a part of me which reckons that a female who knows perfectly well on how to make herself ‘look’ good- in terms of putting on make up and wearing the perfect outfit to flaunt their bodies- are weak (not all of them of course). But I can’t deny that I love to see pretty girls, however in 100% certainty I do not want to be one of them who are constantly obsessed with their appearance which is such a waste of time.

But there is confusion within me when most of guy friends think of me as being a tomboy. Although they use to joke around with it, I found that there is a part of me which is irritated with the idea of being regarded as a male. I realized there is also a part of me who yearns to be and seen as a girl. Suddenly, I felt that actually I enjoyed being treated as the ‘weaker’ sex because you tend to get protection from males; which complete me as a female. Damn it is confusing. So I actually have a trouble of knowing what I want…While I aspires to be ‘career driven’ woman, there is a soft spot within me that is pulling me back. It is a ‘tug- of- war for me…It leaves me more confused of my desires and my aspirations for the future…